Showing posts with label osawano. Show all posts
Showing posts with label osawano. Show all posts

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shokyu


Greetings!

I'm back now from my wanderings in the Netherlands and Belgium and thanks to Tom and Gaab for inviting me to their wonderful wedding. Tom is someone who creeps up from time to time in the articles on this site as 'The Lowlander'.

More Japanese Musings this week, this time on the confusing topic of Japanese religion. The article posted today was originally written for and included in the magazine The TRAM, a Toyama-ken magazine for English teachers. Therefore, it assumes that the reader is in Japan which, I appreciate, most of you are not. However, after reading it, who knows? Maybe you'll feel like you are...?

Keep travelling!

Uncle Travelling Matt


 

Links to all the Japanese Musings:

Series 1

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shokyu

Japanese Musings V: The Sporting Life

Japanese Musings VI: A Bad Day

Japanese Musings VII: Time, time, time…

Japanese Musings VIII: The Joys of Internationalisation

Japanese Musings IX: Meri Kurisumasu!

Japanese Musings X: It’s Cold Outside!

Japanese Musings XI: Moomins and Mydo Cardo

Japanese Musings XII: Engrish

Japanese Musings XIII: Valentine’s Day

Series 2

Japanese Musings 2.1: Arrival: Tokyo

Japanese Musings 2.2: Arrival: Inaka

Japanese Musings 2.3: Riding the Kamioka-sen

Japanese Musings 2.4: Onsen

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shukyo

What does the title of this piece mean?
 
It means that this is all about Japanese religions.
 
Oh, aren’t the Japanese religions Shintō and Buddhism?
 
Yes, that’s right, or at least, it is for most Japanese. Approximately one per cent are Christian though.
 
Am I the only one who doesn’t get what’s going on with Buddhism and all the other eastern faiths?
 
No, you’re not the only one. That’s why we’ve included this ace article in the TRAM.
 
Right, so what’s the difference between Buddhism and Shintō?
 
There are lots of differences; they’re completely different faiths actually.
 
So which is more popular then?
 
Both. Most Japanese are Shintō and Buddhist.
 
How can that be right? I can’t be Christian and Jewish at the same time for example.
 
That’s true but the Eastern Religions are different from the Abrahamic – or Western – ones. It’s common all over the Orient to follow several faiths at the same time. In China and Vietnam for example, lots of people pray in temples that are Taoist, Confucian and Buddhist at the same time.
 
That’s weird! It’s like pic ‘n’ mix worship.
 
That’s exactly what it’s like and it’s possible because many Eastern philosophies are just that; philosophies and not religions in the Western sense of the word.
 
Oh right, but are the Japanese really religious?
 
No, not really, in fact they’re pretty secular as a rule. But the philosophies and values that not only Buddhism and Shintō, but also Confucianism preach affect their daily lives greatly.
 
Ok, so tell me about Buddhism. It was founded by Buddha, the jolly fat guy, right?
 
Well, yes and no. It was founded by Siddhartha Gautama who is generally referred to as ‘Buddha’ but he isn’t the fat guy. The fat guy is Ho Tei who was a monk in China and is now a lesser god or Bodhisattva.
 
Left: Buddha. Right: Ho Tei
 
A god! But how can a man become a god?
 
If you're Christian that shouldn't be a difficult one to answer. However, with these 'gods' it's a bit different. Part of it is in the translation which can be misleading. What we think of as a god – and omnipotent, perfect being – is not what the Japanese think of. Their word kami is perhaps better translated as ‘spirit’. Often their kami – and there are many – are far from perfect or omnipotent. In fact, they usually display human characteristics.
 
So why was the Buddha then?
 
He was an Indian prince who wanted to find enlightenment. He tried various religions but none really suited him. He also tried starving himself and various other extreme measures but nothing worked. Then one day he sat under a tree and boom, it happened, he was enlightened!
 
A bit like Sir Isaac Newton then?
 
Well yes, except that the Buddha didn’t have an apple land on his head.
 
What is this ‘enlightenment’ then? It sounds like a load of weird hippy crap to me!
 
Well, I don’t know exactly because I’m not enlightened, but you know born-again Christians who tell you the amazing tale of how they saw the light? Well seeing the light, that’s like Buddhist enlightenment.
 
Oh right, and what’s this Zen stuff then?
 
Zen is a sect of Buddhism, the predominant one in Japan. Buddhism has many sects. Tibetan Lamaism is another.
 
So the Dalai Lama has nothing to do with Buddhism in Japan?
 
Nothing whatsoever.
 
What makes Zen different from the other sects?
 
Zen is more about achieving personal enlightenment than worshipping deities. What’s more, Zen followers believe that, like it was with the Buddha, their enlightenment can be triggered off by a small incident, not a long, gradual process of learning as some of the other sects advocate.
 
What sort of incident?
 
That we don’t know; it’s different for everyone. Different schools of Zen recommend different ways, such as meditation or riddles.
 
What sort of riddles?
 
Ok, here’s a famous one: What’s the sound of one hand clapping?
 
I don’t know? What is it?
 
You must think about it yourself. By thinking about it you may achieve enlightenment.
 
You mentioned meditation. Is that all that Hare Krishna stuff that George Harrison got into?
 
Actually Hare Krishna is Hindu, but the two religions have a lot in common as Buddhism is based on Hindusim. Both meditate, that is sitting, often in the lotus position, and trying to clear your mind of all thoughts. Both also believe in reincarnation and karma.
 
Karma: is that like if you are bad you get born again in another life as an ant or something?
 
Something like that. Reincarnation is being born again and karma is like a goodness counter. Basically, if you are good in this life, then you get good karma in the next. And if you are bad in this life then it’s the opposite.
 
That sounds like the ultimate clean slate to me. I can be a complete bastard to everyone and next life I suffer when I don’t even know that it was me before.
 
Well yes, and I’m not too sure on it myself, but Buddhists reckon that if you are good then self isn’t important anyway so it doesn’t matter.
 
That sounds confusing.
 
It is.
 
You mentioned earlier that there are different schools of Zen.
 
Yes, there are many and in Japan there are seven important ones. The biggest is Sōtō and their HQ is Eihei-ji in Fukui-ken. Most of the others are based in Kyoto.
 
What’s the symbol of Buddhism?
 
Buddhism has many symbols but the main one’s the wheel.
 
Why’s that?
 
The wheel represents life. No beginning and no end, but living, dying, then being reborn and it all starts again for all eternity.
 
 
Is there anyway to change that, to stop being reborn and go to Heaven or something?
 
Yes, if you achieve buddhahood, i.e. enlightenment. Then you are not reborn and become a god.
 
It’s all very complicated but I think I get Buddhism now. What’s this whole Shintō thing though?
 
Shintō, as I said before, is a completely separate religion. In fact, it’s Japan’s native, home-grown religion.
 
Isn’t Buddhism Japanese?
 
No, as I said before, it was started by the Buddha and he was Indian. Buddhism came to Japan in the 8th century via China and Korea.
 
So Shintō was around before Buddhism then?
 
Indeed it was, a long time before. No one knows when Shintō first started, but it was before recorded history.
 
So who’s the main man of Shintō, like the Buddha of Buddhism or Christ of Christianity?
 
Main man, there isn’t one. There’s no holy book either.
 
No book and no guy! So what do they worship then?
 
Shintō followers worship kami, the gods or spirits of Japan. It’s a bit like the Pagan faiths of Europe before the Christians came along. They worship the divine in mountains, trees and rivers, that sort of thing.
 
Oh right. So what are the temples for?
 
Temples are Buddhist; the Shintō ones are called shrines. They are built in the places where they reckon the kami live. A shrine is like a home for a kami.
 
Are all the kami like rivers and trees and stuff?
 
No, there are the more usual gods as well, plus mysterious creatures like the tengu.
 
Tengu? Isn’t that a restaurant where one can find great food at reasonable prices?
 
Well yes, Tengu is a restaurant, but the word actually means ‘Heaven Dog’. A tengu is a goblin-type creature with a big nose. You can see one on the restaurant sign. Also gods from other religions are accepted as kami in Shintō, such as the Buddha and other Buddhist deities.
 
 
Which is how Japanese people can follow both religions at the same time?
 
Precisely. They often have the same gods or kami in the temples.
 
Like who?
 
Well, there’s the Buddha and Ho Tei, the jolly fat guy. There’s also Kanon-sama; she’s the woman goddess who sometimes holds a baby and sometimes a small vase. Then there’s Yebisu, the protector of fishermen and small businessmen.
 
Yebisu? Isn’t that a brand of lager.
 
Yes indeed. You can see Yebisu himself on the front of the cans. He holds a fishing net.
 


Ok, so I have another question. How can I tell the difference between a Buddhist temple and a Shintō shrine?
 
There are several things to look for. Firstly, there are the two guardian animals at the entrance, usually lions. Then there is a big gate (torii in Japanese) which is usually red though it can often be grey as well. Thirdly, there are bits of paper that look like lightning flashes and big tassles hanging from the gate. If the place has all of those then it’s Shintō and not Buddhist.
 


Oh right, that’s helpful. But what do I do inside the place? I’ve noticed Japanese people clapping and bowing and stuff but I don’t want to look stupid. What do I do and where do I do it?
 
Ok, well each temple or shrine is different but as a general rule at a Shintō shrine one should go up to the altar or outside the main door if it’s shut, (they usually are), and standing, clap twice and then bow twice. Plus you should remember to wash your hands first in the trough provided outside. That’s very important as it symbolises purifying yourself. For the Buddhist temples there’s no clapping, just stand in front of the altar, put your hands together like you do in school when you say “Itadakimasu!” and bow for a couple of seconds. Then you could perhaps light three sticks of incense (leave a donation) and then stick them in the big pot provided and waft the air all over you.
 
What’s the point of all that may I ask?
 
It’s meant to bring you good luck and drive evil spirits away.
 
Oh, I see, very good. And what’s the point of the gates, tassles and lightning paper that you mentioned earlier?
 
The gates and paper mark the boundaries of a holy ground, the domain of the kami. Bad spirits and evil people can’t pass through them.
 
That sounds like a load of crap! After all, I’ve never been struck down dead by them and I’m hardly as pure as the driven snow.
 
Erm, can’t answer that one. Perhaps they don’t always work?
 
Obviously not. However, what if I wanted to convert to Shintō or Buddhism?
 
Well, it’s not really a case of converting since they are cool with you following them as well as your own religion – pic ‘n’ mix as you said before – but if you really want to then Buddhism in particular is accessible in the West. There are quite a few famous Buddhists actually, like Richard Gere for example.
 
Hardly the best advertisement for the faith is it?
 
Well, no, not really I suppose. But if you wanted to introduce Buddhist elements into your life you could perhaps start by meditating, being nice to other people and popping down to the temple now and again.
 
What day is the service?
 
Unlike Christianity, Judaism and Islam, there is no set holy day and so no one mandatory weekly service.
 
Ok, so whenever you want but don’t expect a priest and hymns?
 
Something like that.
 
Where can I find some nice shrines and temples then?
 
Well they’re everywhere and everyone has different tastes. I personally find the small ones in the mountains to be the nicest but there are shrines and temples in every town and village in Japan. Most of the famous Buddhist temples are in Kyoto, although Eihei-ji in Fukui is famous and beautiful too. The most famous Shintō shrine is Ise though there are a load of important ones on Shikoku as well.
 
What about in Toyama-ken? Any good ones here?
 
Yes, check out the Buddhist temples in Inami and Takaoka; they’re famous. There’s also the Takaoka Daibutsu that’s worth a visit as well.
 
Daibutsu? What’s that?
 
Japanese for ‘Big Buddha’ and that’s what it is; a huge, copper Buddha sat in the middle of Takaoka.
 

Cool! Ok well, thanks for that, I really know about Japanese religion now! Just one last question though…

What’s that?

What’s the sound of one hand clapping…?

Written January, 2001, Ōsawano-machi, Japan
Revised April 2012, Smallthorne, UK

Next musing: The Sporting Life

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

 
Greetings!
 
Since the Japanese Musings are proving to be popular, here's another, an account of the time when I had a brush with the law...
Incidentally, next week there won't be an update as Uncle Travelling Matt is off on his travels, to the Netherlands to attend the wedding of the Lowlander who will be appearing on this site soon. The Lowlander is one of my oldest travelling companions and together we've visited a dozen countries, drank considerably more beers and  dissected most of the world's problems. Anyway, it's an honour to be invited to his wedding but fear not, in a fortnight's time there'll be another update.
 
Keep travelling!
 
Uncle Travelling Matt
 
 
 

Links to all the Japanese Musings:

Series 1

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shokyu

Japanese Musings V: The Sporting Life

Japanese Musings VI: A Bad Day

Japanese Musings VII: Time, time, time…

Japanese Musings VIII: The Joys of Internationalisation

Japanese Musings IX: Meri Kurisumasu!

Japanese Musings X: It’s Cold Outside!

Japanese Musings XI: Moomins and Mydo Cardo

Japanese Musings XII: Engrish

Japanese Musings XIII: Valentine’s Day

Series 2

Japanese Musings 2.1: Arrival: Tokyo

Japanese Musings 2.2: Arrival: Inaka

Japanese Musings 2.3: Riding the Kamioka-sen

Japanese Musings 2.4: Onsen

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line



 
I had a brush with the law this week. Yes, I am now a rebel against society, a mean outlaw.

Ok, well not quite, but I did get stopped by the police on my way to a Japanese lesson. Now I am not going to disagree with the fact that I deserve to be fined. I drive just a little too fast as a general rule, on occasions I absent-mindedly forget to wear my seat belt and I once stuck a stamp on upside-down, (did you know that in Britain that constitutes treason?), but my gripe this week, is what I got caught for. For I committed the heinous crime of coming to a railway level crossing, slowing down and then crossing it.

And before you ask, no the barriers were not down, and yes the coast was clear. No, here in Japan they have a law that states that you must actually stop at the level crossing, check both ways and then proceed. If you stop ON the actual crossing, well that's ok, but if you actually follow the much safer option of merely slowing down and then crossing, why 'tis forbidden. This is what I did, bad boy that I am.

Now of course, I was aware of this law, but I pretended that I was not, hoping to get a reprieve. They (surprise, surprise) did not speak English, so I had to phone up Masami (a Japanese friend), and get her explain my ignorance of such a wise and noble law to them. What did they say? I asked after she had talked to Plod-san on the mobile?

Sorry, you're still fined 9000 yen and you've got to go to the police station.

Now, as you can imagine, I was not particularly happy that my ingenious plan of ignorance had failed, so I decided instead to go to Plan B, nicknamed "Operation Genki". Firstly, I pretended to misunderstand everything he said, (not difficult to do due to our lack of a common language), but instead be really friendly to him and talk about random things.

"Passport?" he rapped.

"No here" I replied, "But look!" I pointed to my 'Matto Self-Introduction Sheet' for Primary School that was on the back seat. "This is me, I like soccer, look soccer! And here is my cat, she is called Puss! You like?"

Plod-san was unimpressed. He muttered something in Japanese and then got in the drivers seat and explained that he was to drive me first to my apartment to get passport and gaijin-card and then to Police station.

"Ok" replieth I. He started the engine, and thus unwittingly, the tape player also. "Ha, music, you like? This music is happy music, yes, no?" I danced a little in my seat, or maybe wiggled is a better description. All this time my now well-practised Tony Blair grin was glued on my face. Plod-san grunted.

"Oh, you don't like, desu ka? I'm sorry, here, Japanese music, maybe you like more, eh?!" I took out the Irish folk and inserted Morning Musume.

"Happy Summer Wedding!" quoth I, and then singing "Ruv Ruv Ruv Machine, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, dancing all ze night!!"

He seemed to cheer up a chotto.

We got to the apartment. "Tea?" I offered politely, "Hoto Milku Tea, you want, eh?" He got this one.

"No, eto, err, Passport!"

'Only trying to be polite, sorry', thought I, unimpressed with this man's manners. Obviously not descended from samurai.

The police station took a while. There were lots of forms to fill in, which is only right for such a terrible crime, I'm sure you'll agree. Problem was, they'd never filled them in before for gaijin, or seen an International Driving Licence before. Suits me, thought I.

"Just think, if you'd let me off we wouldn't have to go through all this shit now would we?" I told him with a smile.

"Hai" agreed he and his new friend who had joined in the fun. I christened him Fatplod-san.

Because he was fat.

Then I spied my moment.

 "Look, look!" I exclaimed, pointing at a poster on the wall. Toyama-ken police have a mascot. He is called Tateyama-san, after the local Holy Mountain, (an obvious choice for a mascot I'm sure you'll agree). Anyway, Tateyama-san is a mountain, dressed in a police uniform and topped off with a huge smile. He helps kids across the road, waves a load and enforces the law of the land is a most courteous, polite and friendly manner. [1]

Unlike Plod-san.


They looked round.

"Tateyama-san" I exclaimeth. "He is our friend, he helps all the good children! Tateyama-san is genki!" Genki means that he is basically a "jolly bloke".

 Unlike Plod-san.

 "Hai, Tateyama-san", they relied, not sharing my enthusiasm for Police mascots. Anyway, the long and short of it is, yes I still got fined, but I think maybe they were a little pissed off which compensated a small amount, (though not 9000 bloody yen). Plus, now, when they next stop me for alcohol testing, I can wave at them, smile and engage them in a conversation on Tateyama-san, who is a friend and example to all of us!

And they know my name, and where I live.


 

[1] Actually I made a mistake. The mascot’s name is Tateyama-kun, (‘kun’ is a kid, ‘san’ more grown-up, although being mountain-sized, he looked pretty bloody grown-up to me). I have since (2012) learnt that all of Japan’s police forces have mascots but that Toyama-ken’s is better than everyone else’s because it was designed by Fujiko Fujio, who is actually two people, Toyama-ken’s most famous residents in fact, the foremost manga artists in the world, the guys who thought up Doraemon no less. For more on Tateyama-kun and all the other wacky Japanese police mascots, check out this brilliant site.
 
Next musing: Nihon no Shokyu

Monday, 9 April 2012

Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!

Greetings!
 
It's been a busy week with Holy Week taking over, but things are back to normal now and on a more secular note, here is another slice of my time in Japan, this time when my life gets invaded by a rather annoying yet catchy pop song...
 
Keep travelling!
 
Uncle Travelling Matt
 
 

Links to all the Japanese Musings:

Series 1

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shokyu

Japanese Musings V: The Sporting Life

Japanese Musings VI: A Bad Day

Japanese Musings VII: Time, time, time…

Japanese Musings VIII: The Joys of Internationalisation

Japanese Musings IX: Meri Kurisumasu!

Japanese Musings X: It’s Cold Outside!

Japanese Musings XI: Moomins and Mydo Cardo

Japanese Musings XII: Engrish

Japanese Musings XIII: Valentine’s Day

Series 2

Japanese Musings 2.1: Arrival: Tokyo

Japanese Musings 2.2: Arrival: Inaka

Japanese Musings 2.3: Riding the Kamioka-sen

Japanese Musings 2.4: Onsen

 
Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!
 
Just recently Japan seems to have been taken over by one of those catchy pop tunes that appear from time to time, are on everybody's lips and then disappear completely, only ever heard again at wedding discos or other such celebrations. The beautiful "Macarena" by Los del Rio and the haunting "Sugar Sugar" by the Archies are two examples of such songs. I am not sure of the precise title of the tune that is brainwashing the Japanese public at the moment, though it is known by most of the gaijin at least as, "The O-ha Song".



The formula is simple, take a member of Smap (a popular band), dress him in women's clothes, call him Shingo Mama and then get him to perform a catchy song about his addiction to mayonnaise, and give the catchy tune an equally catchy dance. You see, it is the dance, or at least parts of it, that people remember. Basically, you sing "O-haaaa!" a lot, making two 'ok' signs with your hands for the 'o' bit and then pushing both hands out in front of you, fingers stretched out, (imagine you are pushing open a heavy door with both hands), for the 'haaaa!' bit. "O-ha!" incidentally means 'good morning!' and yes, before you ask, of course I purchased this CD, (if only for the dance moves inside the sleeve).


 
But, alas! This is not what I intend to discuss with you this week. Instead, I shall tell you a little of myself. For several years now, I have taken to sitting in cafes and sipping sedately on cups of tea, or if that is not available, coffee. All great, famous artists and writers do this, in the cultured cities around the globe - Paris, Milan, Rome, Barcelona, Wolverhampton - whilst they muse upon their latest writings or etchings.

Now of course, I am sure that many will be quick to point out here that I am neither a famous author, or indeed remotely good at etchings, paintings, or indeed anything that requires a grand deal of effort, but hey, I like caffeine and it makes me feel more intelligent than I actually am. Now of course, many will also be quick to point out that Osawano is generally not regarded amongst the great centres of world culture, but unperturbed I persevere and continue with my vocation.
Indeed within Osawano I have found a venue where I am quite at home; it is named 'Gusto'. Now, I have to admit, that 'Gusto' is not quite a French pavement cafe with Art Nouveau Architecture and warm croissants. To form an image of 'Gusto' in your mind, think more MacDonalds with rice and a toilet with a heated seat, (I jest not). In fact, I do have several friends who tend to look down upon the humble 'Gusto' as "not being authentically Japanese enough". But, a Japanese-owned restaurant, in Japan, serving Japanese food and full of Japanese people is Japanese enough for me. So what if they serve burgers as well, in my opinion these people are either (A) On a higher cultural plane to myself, or (B) Stuck up their own cultural backsides. I am unsure which.
 
But, oh, let me get on with my tale. Well, sat I was in 'Gusto' the other evening, nursing my cup of tea (with milk), and musing upon the workings of the world, when the waiter came over to me and started with surprise "Matto-san! You have come from England! Yes, you teach in Osawano Junior High, and then a longer spiel recounting numerous exciting exploits of my life." Now of course, this gentleman's intimate knowledge of me did surprise me somewhat, so I asked him from whence he had garnered it.

"From the newspaper!" came his reply.



You see, this little story I just told to illustrate a new dimension of my life, that of my new role as a celebrity. The thing is I actually teach every child in Osawano from 3-15 and due to being employed by the Town Council, I have a regular newspaper column. Thus, I am fast becoming extremely well-known in the town. I cannot help but walk down the street before someone will come and "Matto-sensei, herrow!!" Now, of course this was rather pleasant at first. Achieving celebrity status is of course something that many of us dream of, and even better, to achieve it by doing absolutely nothing. But to be honest, I am finding that it begins to grate after a while.



The other day, myself and a friend were in one of the finest restaurants in the locality, (ok, small lie, it was 'Gusto'), when a group of children came in, immediately spotted me and shouted "Matto-sensei, O-haaaaa!" "O-haaa!" I did reply, complete with actions. But alas, this merely spurred the little tinkers on. Oh yes, we were on the receiving end of "O-haaas!" for the best part of half an hour. I walk along the street, and lo, out of the corner of my eye I spy a member of the Osawano youth. I hurry up, bury my head in a book, but to no avail, I am discovered and out they holler "Matto-sensei, O-haaaaa!" Of course, the good side is that if I go out of Osawano, I am once again just a normal gaijin, who does not warrant "O-haaaas", merely stares, but I do have to live here. They are "O-haaaing" me in the bank, the supermarket, the street and last Sunday, even in the onsen. I admit now that Shingo Mama is cool, he has immense musical talent, his song is great and his choreography even better, but right now, I wish he would just disappear fast.

And take his bloody "O-haaaas!" with him.

 
Written 2000, Osawano, Japan

 
Want to check out Shingo Mama and his classic 'O-ha Rock'? Click here and enjoy along with an enlightening interview (in Japanese with English subtitles).

Next musing: The Thin Blue Line

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Japanese Musings I: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

 

Greetings!

I'm feeling a bit Balkaned out this week and as the next instalment of Balkania is not quite ready for posting yet, I've decided to break it up with a short hop over to Japan. This is the first in an irregular series of articles that i wrote whilst working as an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher) out in Osawano, a small town in rural Japan back in 2000-2. These articles are the earliest pieces of travel writing I ever wrote and describe episodes from my life, as a somewhat baffled and bemused promoter of Internationalisation to the youth of Japan...

Keep travelling!

Uncle Travelling Matt


Links to all the Japanese Musings:

Series 1

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shokyu

Japanese Musings V: The Sporting Life

Japanese Musings VI: A Bad Day

Japanese Musings VII: Time, time, time…

Japanese Musings VIII: The Joys of Internationalisation

Japanese Musings IX: Meri Kurisumasu!

Japanese Musings X: It’s Cold Outside!

Japanese Musings XI: Moomins and Mydo Cardo

Japanese Musings XII: Engrish

Japanese Musings XIII: Valentine’s Day

Series 2

Japanese Musings 2.1: Arrival: Tokyo

Japanese Musings 2.2: Arrival: Inaka

Japanese Musings 2.3: Riding the Kamioka-sen

Japanese Musings 2.4: Onsen

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
 
The other day I was informed by the town hall that my lessons for Primary Schools during the month of November would be centered around the exciting theme of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes." Now, for those of you not in the know, Head Shoulders, Knees and Toes is a pretty cool song that virtually all kids, (well British ones at least), learn when they are between the ages of 3 and 5. It involves one standing up, and singing the following:-
 
Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
Knees and Toes
Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
Knees and Toes
Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose
Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
Knees and Toes
 
And, if these stunning lyrics were not enough, one must also point to the various parts of ones anatomy whilst saying the words. Yes, it's that cool and thus I anticipated doing these lessons with relish. Of course the whole point to the lesson however is to teach my little darlings the parts of the body and thus it is no use just singing the song and pointing to body parts, they just wouldn't get it. Therefore I decided, in my infinite wisdom, to draw a big picture of a body (clothed I must add), and then point the bits out to my kiddiwinks first, before progressing to more musical activities.
 
Now, whilst this idea sounded good in practice, I soon hit upon a massive stumbling block, that being the fact that I cannot draw; or in other words, I am to Art what Josef Stalin was to Humanitarianism. I attempted a few bodies, but to say that they didn't quite turn out as anticipated is something of an understatement. What I am very good at however, is gaining inspiration from the creations of others, (i.e. nicking other people's ideas), and with this in mind, I decided instead to copy a popular cartoon character and then use this instead of my own pitiful creation. But great as this idea sounds, it too only created more problems, since I then discovered that not one popular Japanese cartoon character has all the necessary 'bits':-




 
Pikachoo has no knees.
 
 
Am-Pam-Man also has no knees, or toes, and indeed he often doesn't even have all of his face.
 
 
Thomas the Tank Engine is a train, he thus was completely useless.
 
 
Hello Kitty has no mouth.
 
 
Miffy Bunny, no knees also, (though very big ears it must be said).
 
 
The Moomins; they have very little except huge noses.



I was at a loss, what to do? As one should always do in a crisis, I made a cup of tea and put a CD on. And then it came to me! (Strictly speaking, not entirely true, then a mate rang up about something else entirely and I asked them what to do). There was the answer, MANGA!
 
No, I know not if you are aware of this but the Japanese are the world’s biggest consumers of comics. They sell them in the thousands and all ages read them. These comics are called Manga. So, there it was. All I had to do was buy a comic and copy one of the characters out of it. Thrilled, I rushed out of my little aparto, down to the nearest shop, grabbed the first comic that I saw, handed over my yens and rushed back. Unfortunately, I hadn't checked first which comic to buy. Big mistake, for I opened the pages and lo! What did I see?
 
Well, I cannot tell you, but from the title 'Exciting comic for men' you can take a pretty good guess. Yep, it was hard-core Manga Porn. Now whilst this was undoubtedly interesting from an artistic point of view, it was of course no good for my little munchkins, who would undoubtedly learn about more parts of the body than was on the curriculum if I copied one picture exactly. Unperturbed though, I browsed through the book until I found a figure which was passable with a few minor alterations, (e.g. slightly smaller breasts and clothes).
 
And so I set to work, and when this figure was finished, I clothed her, in Osawano JHS uniform. I then realised that she was actually holding something and the picture looked incomplete without a large cylindrical object for Miho (as I had christened her) to hold. Due to a lack of other ideas, I then added a huge flagpole complete with Japanese flag which I am sure you will agree is a perfectly natural object for any schoolgirl to hold. Thus she was complete and I felt very proud with myself.
 
The next day, the lesson commenced. Miho was put up on the board, and my little possums were most impressed. I selected one from the class as a volunteer and asked her, "Where is Miho's head?" Little Yuki thought for a while and then pointed, correctly at Miho's bonce. "Ping-pong!" said I (that means well done), and so I then asked her to point out the shoulders. Again and again Yuki guessed correctly, until I said "And where are Miho's ears?" Blank look from Yuki. I turned to her classmates. "Can you help?" I enquired. More blank stares. Then Japanese teacher says to me, "Ears?" "Yes, ears" I replied. "Excuse me but," she paused for a moment, "Miho have no ears." I looked at the picture, and yes, she was right, I'd forgotten her bloody ears.
 
Noooooo!



Written Osawano, Japan 2000

Next musing: O-ha!!!