Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

 

Greetings!

 

Since the Japanese Musings are proving to be popular, here's another, an account of the time when I had a brush with the law...

Incidentally, next week there won't be an update as Uncle Travelling Matt is off on his travels, to the Netherlands to attend the wedding of the Lowlander who will be appearing on this site soon. The Lowlander is one of my oldest travelling companions and together we've visited a dozen countries, drank considerably more beers and  dissected most of the world's problems. Anyway, it's an honour to be invited to his wedding but fear not, in a fortnight's time there'll be another update.

 

Keep travelling!

 

Uncle Travelling Matt

 

 

 

Links to all the Japanese Musings:

Series 1

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shokyu

Japanese Musings V: The Sporting Life

Japanese Musings VI: A Bad Day

Japanese Musings VII: Time, time, time…

Japanese Musings VIII: The Joys of Internationalisation

Japanese Musings IX: Meri Kurisumasu!

Japanese Musings X: It’s Cold Outside!

Japanese Musings XI: Moomins and Mydo Cardo

Japanese Musings XII: Engrish

Japanese Musings XIII: Valentine’s Day

Series 2

Japanese Musings 2.1: Arrival: Tokyo

Japanese Musings 2.2: Arrival: Inaka

Japanese Musings 2.3: Riding the Kamioka-sen

Japanese Musings 2.4: Onsen

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

 
I had a brush with the law this week. Yes, I am now a rebel against society, a mean outlaw.

Ok, well not quite, but I did get stopped by the police on my way to a Japanese lesson. Now I am not going to disagree with the fact that I deserve to be fined. I drive just a little too fast as a general rule, on occasions I absent-mindedly forget to wear my seat belt and I once stuck a stamp on upside-down, (did you know that in Britain that constitutes treason?), but my gripe this week, is what I got caught for. For I committed the heinous crime of coming to a railway level crossing, slowing down and then crossing it.

And before you ask, no the barriers were not down, and yes the coast was clear. No, here in Japan they have a law that states that you must actually stop at the level crossing, check both ways and then proceed. If you stop ON the actual crossing, well that's ok, but if you actually follow the much safer option of merely slowing down and then crossing, why 'tis forbidden. This is what I did, bad boy that I am.

Now of course, I was aware of this law, but I pretended that I was not, hoping to get a reprieve. They (surprise, surprise) did not speak English, so I had to phone up Masami (a Japanese friend), and get her explain my ignorance of such a wise and noble law to them. What did they say? I asked after she had talked to Plod-san on the mobile?

Sorry, you're still fined 9000 yen and you've got to go to the police station.

Now, as you can imagine, I was not particularly happy that my ingenious plan of ignorance had failed, so I decided instead to go to Plan B, nicknamed "Operation Genki". Firstly, I pretended to misunderstand everything he said, (not difficult to do due to our lack of a common language), but instead be really friendly to him and talk about random things.

"Passport?" he rapped.

"No here" I replied, "But look!" I pointed to my 'Matto Self-Introduction Sheet' for Primary School that was on the back seat. "This is me, I like soccer, look soccer! And here is my cat, she is called Puss! You like?"

Plod-san was unimpressed. He muttered something in Japanese and then got in the drivers seat and explained that he was to drive me first to my apartment to get passport and gaijin-card and then to Police station.

"Ok" replieth I. He started the engine, and thus unwittingly, the tape player also. "Ha, music, you like? This music is happy music, yes, no?" I danced a little in my seat, or maybe wiggled is a better description. All this time my now well-practised Tony Blair grin was glued on my face. Plod-san grunted.

"Oh, you don't like, desu ka? I'm sorry, here, Japanese music, maybe you like more, eh?!" I took out the Irish folk and inserted Morning Musume.

"Happy Summer Wedding!" quoth I, and then singing "Ruv Ruv Ruv Machine, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, dancing all ze night!!"

He seemed to cheer up a chotto.

We got to the apartment. "Tea?" I offered politely, "Hoto Milku Tea, you want, eh?" He got this one.

"No, eto, err, Passport!"

'Only trying to be polite, sorry', thought I, unimpressed with this man's manners. Obviously not descended from samurai.

The police station took a while. There were lots of forms to fill in, which is only right for such a terrible crime, I'm sure you'll agree. Problem was, they'd never filled them in before for gaijin, or seen an International Driving Licence before. Suits me, thought I.

"Just think, if you'd let me off we wouldn't have to go through all this shit now would we?" I told him with a smile.

"Hai" agreed he and his new friend who had joined in the fun. I christened him Fatplod-san.

Because he was fat.

Then I spied my moment.

 "Look, look!" I exclaimed, pointing at a poster on the wall. Toyama-ken police have a mascot. He is called Tateyama-san, after the local Holy Mountain, (an obvious choice for a mascot I'm sure you'll agree). Anyway, Tateyama-san is a mountain, dressed in a police uniform and topped off with a huge smile. He helps kids across the road, waves a load and enforces the law of the land is a most courteous, polite and friendly manner. [1]

Unlike Plod-san.

They looked round.

"Tateyama-san" I exclaimeth. "He is our friend, he helps all the good children! Tateyama-san is genki!" Genki means that he is basically a "jolly bloke".

 Unlike Plod-san.

 "Hai, Tateyama-san", they relied, not sharing my enthusiasm for Police mascots. Anyway, the long and short of it is, yes I still got fined, but I think maybe they were a little pissed off which compensated a small amount, (though not 9000 bloody yen). Plus, now, when they next stop me for alcohol testing, I can wave at them, smile and engage them in a conversation on Tateyama-san, who is a friend and example to all of us!

And they know my name, and where I live.

 

[1] Actually I made a mistake. The mascot’s name is Tateyama-kun, (‘kun’ is a kid, ‘san’ more grown-up, although being mountain-sized, he looked pretty bloody grown-up to me). I have since (2012) learnt that all of Japan’s police forces have mascots but that Toyama-ken’s is better than everyone else’s because it was designed by Fujiko Fujio, who is actually two people, Toyama-ken’s most famous residents in fact, the foremost manga artists in the world, the guys who thought up Doraemon no less. For more on Tateyama-kun and all the other wacky Japanese police mascots, check out this brilliant site.

 

Next musing: Nihon no Shokyu

Japanese Musings I: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

 

Greetings!

I'm feeling a bit Balkaned out this week and as the next instalment of Balkania is not quite ready for posting yet, I've decided to break it up with a short hop over to Japan. This is the first in an irregular series of articles that i wrote whilst working as an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher) out in Osawano, a small town in rural Japan back in 2000-2. These articles are the earliest pieces of travel writing I ever wrote and describe episodes from my life, as a somewhat baffled and bemused promoter of Internationalisation to the youth of Japan...

Keep travelling!

Uncle Travelling Matt

Links to all the Japanese Musings:

Series 1

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Japanese Musings II: O-ha!!!

Japanese Musings III: The Thin Blue Line

Japanese Musings IV: Nihon no Shokyu

Japanese Musings V: The Sporting Life

Japanese Musings VI: A Bad Day

Japanese Musings VII: Time, time, time…

Japanese Musings VIII: The Joys of Internationalisation

Japanese Musings IX: Meri Kurisumasu!

Japanese Musings X: It’s Cold Outside!

Japanese Musings XI: Moomins and Mydo Cardo

Japanese Musings XII: Engrish

Japanese Musings XIII: Valentine’s Day

Series 2

Japanese Musings 2.1: Arrival: Tokyo

Japanese Musings 2.2: Arrival: Inaka

Japanese Musings 2.3: Riding the Kamioka-sen

Japanese Musings 2.4: Onsen

Japanese Musings I: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

 

The other day I was informed by the town hall that my lessons for Primary Schools during the month of November would be centered around the exciting theme of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes." Now, for those of you not in the know, Head Shoulders, Knees and Toes is a pretty cool song that virtually all kids, (well British ones at least), learn when they are between the ages of 3 and 5. It involves one standing up, and singing the following:-

 

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Knees and Toes

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Knees and Toes

Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Knees and Toes

 

And, if these stunning lyrics were not enough, one must also point to the various parts of ones anatomy whilst saying the words. Yes, it's that cool and thus I anticipated doing these lessons with relish. Of course the whole point to the lesson however is to teach my little darlings the parts of the body and thus it is no use just singing the song and pointing to body parts, they just wouldn't get it. Therefore I decided, in my infinite wisdom, to draw a big picture of a body (clothed I must add), and then point the bits out to my kiddiwinks first, before progressing to more musical activities.

 

Now, whilst this idea sounded good in practice, I soon hit upon a massive stumbling block, that being the fact that I cannot draw; or in other words, I am to Art what Josef Stalin was to Humanitarianism. I attempted a few bodies, but to say that they didn't quite turn out as anticipated is something of an understatement. What I am very good at however, is gaining inspiration from the creations of others, (i.e. nicking other people's ideas), and with this in mind, I decided instead to copy a popular cartoon character and then use this instead of my own pitiful creation. But great as this idea sounds, it too only created more problems, since I then discovered that not one popular Japanese cartoon character has all the necessary 'bits':-

  Pikachoo has no knees.     Am-Pam-Man also has no knees, or toes, and indeed he often doesn't even have all of his face.     Thomas the Tank Engine is a train, he thus was completely useless.     Hello Kitty has no mouth.     Miffy Bunny, no knees also, (though very big ears it must be said).     The Moomins; they have very little except huge noses.

I was at a loss, what to do? As one should always do in a crisis, I made a cup of tea and put a CD on. And then it came to me! (Strictly speaking, not entirely true, then a mate rang up about something else entirely and I asked them what to do). There was the answer, MANGA!

 

No, I know not if you are aware of this but the Japanese are the world’s biggest consumers of comics. They sell them in the thousands and all ages read them. These comics are called Manga. So, there it was. All I had to do was buy a comic and copy one of the characters out of it. Thrilled, I rushed out of my little aparto, down to the nearest shop, grabbed the first comic that I saw, handed over my yens and rushed back. Unfortunately, I hadn't checked first which comic to buy. Big mistake, for I opened the pages and lo! What did I see?

 

Well, I cannot tell you, but from the title 'Exciting comic for men' you can take a pretty good guess. Yep, it was hard-core Manga Porn. Now whilst this was undoubtedly interesting from an artistic point of view, it was of course no good for my little munchkins, who would undoubtedly learn about more parts of the body than was on the curriculum if I copied one picture exactly. Unperturbed though, I browsed through the book until I found a figure which was passable with a few minor alterations, (e.g. slightly smaller breasts and clothes).

 

And so I set to work, and when this figure was finished, I clothed her, in Osawano JHS uniform. I then realised that she was actually holding something and the picture looked incomplete without a large cylindrical object for Miho (as I had christened her) to hold. Due to a lack of other ideas, I then added a huge flagpole complete with Japanese flag which I am sure you will agree is a perfectly natural object for any schoolgirl to hold. Thus she was complete and I felt very proud with myself.

 

The next day, the lesson commenced. Miho was put up on the board, and my little possums were most impressed. I selected one from the class as a volunteer and asked her, "Where is Miho's head?" Little Yuki thought for a while and then pointed, correctly at Miho's bonce. "Ping-pong!" said I (that means well done), and so I then asked her to point out the shoulders. Again and again Yuki guessed correctly, until I said "And where are Miho's ears?" Blank look from Yuki. I turned to her classmates. "Can you help?" I enquired. More blank stares. Then Japanese teacher says to me, "Ears?" "Yes, ears" I replied. "Excuse me but," she paused for a moment, "Miho have no ears." I looked at the picture, and yes, she was right, I'd forgotten her bloody ears.

 

Noooooo!

Written Osawano, Japan 2000

Next musing: O-ha!!!